So, for the past year or maybe even more we have been struggling with Grace to get her to take some responsibility for herself. I understand that she is only 9 but feel like I am always on her and hounding her about something. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, don't forget your homework, lunch, books, shoes, change your underwear, blah...blah...blah. It not only wears me out but she gets frustrated hearing this day in and day out and repeatability telling her doesn't seem to even be effective in her trying to remember on her own.
I have been thinking a lot lately about my parenting skills and practices. Thinking a lot about the Love and Logic class that Aaron and I took when Owen was just a baby. It really made a lot of sense but found it hard to stick with and sometimes requires a bit of thought and a step back from the situation. Just recently a friend and I were talking about homework. She was telling me about a book called Ending the Homework Hassle and how leaving the responsibility to the child and letting them take the reigns and get things done on their own in order to build responsibility skills and a sense of both control and consequence. I started reading the book and a very familiar example in the first chapter really made things com to light. It talked about a Mom and her son Billy. Every day when Billy got home from school Mom went on the big homework hunt digging out his homework from his bag and asking Billy what he needed to do. Mom sat him down at the kitchen table and hovered over him in between cooking dinner and taking care of the other kids. As Mom hovered Billy pouted and piddled at the papers which caused Mom to hover more and eventually get so upset and lecture at him which would cause Dad to perk up and come and yell at Billy for getting Mom upset and just making everything even more stressful. Getting into the book further they talked about how parents tend to take too much responsibility for their kids and do things for them instead of the kids doing it for themselves. In turn if your kids always expect you to be there to remind them, show them, lead them and do things for them they will never learn to remember do these things themselves. There is also the fact of consequences and learning from them. Billy learned that if he didn't take it upon himself to get his spelling homework completed and turned in that he would not only get a bad grade but fail that spelling test too. So in other words this book has taught me to take a step back and end the battle! Grace is now in charge of figuring out what she needs to have brought home for homework or to study, she has till 8pm to get her work done without us asking, telling or yelling at her to get it done and her whining back to us about it. My job is to sit back and let her take the reigns. I have put so much stress upon myself to make sure Grace's homework is done and Grace did her reading and Grace had all of her things for school the next day. Hello! It is Grace's job not mine! She is going to school, not me! Just like helping her with school work, it is her work to do not mine. If she needs help I will coach her but not do it for her or give the answer, if she doesn't like the way I am trying to explain or method then I will refer her back to her teacher.
So, I am sure you are asking, "How is this goin for ya?". Well, it has only just begun this week so we are still in the training process. She has done really well this week and we have had less struggles and arguments which is wonderful. We had really fallen into a trap of her fighting on us to get things done. She doesn't want to do her required reading anymore and was filling out her time sheet herself and signing our names. We came across this and she ended up getting 0's for her time by cheating. That seemed to sting a little for her. On top of it her reading log was to be turned in today which she has been worrying about forgetting all week and this am she called me to ask to bring it into school to her. This was a wide awakening for me. Knowing it was her responsibility to remember it and the fact that I wasn't going out today I simply told her "Ohh Grace that is a real bummer that you forgot but I am not going out today so I won't be able to bring it." I could her the sadness and whimper in her voice and it melted my heart. See, ordinarily I would come to her rescue and run it right over!! But now I know this is part of the problem and the crutch of being a stay at home mom. I start to fall into that trap of "I am here for the kids" and its my job to "do" things for them. Well, yes and no. It is not my job to make sure Grace has her reading log it is hers. Maybe next time she will remember to stick it in her backpack in the evening after dad signs it instead of the chair in her room and expecting that "Ohh well, Mom will just be home to bring it". Well, at age 30 when she has a report for work she left at home Mom won't be there to bring it.
I think about the Grandparents that will read this and what you will all say. I think about how you tell us that we are too hard on her and gripe at her all the time. A lot of times I think, "BUTT OUT"! If I don't gripe it won't get done!! But now that I am looking at things differently maybe you are right. Maybe you are telling me to back off! I get it now. My mom never ran to my rescue to bring my left behind homework, she couldn't, I had to learn to figure it out myself and so should my kids. I have realized now I have fallen into the stay at home mom trap and it is eating me alive! I have been so stressed with Grace not doing what she needs to do and fighting with her about it. I know now I need to let my kids do the things they can do themselves and not stepping in to do it just to get it done for them. I know Owen can put on his boots himself but I still do it because "I can". My friend Kim gave me an eye opener one day. She has 4 toddlers during the day and when she gets them ready to go out to the car one of the kids, Brielle won't put her boots on herself even though she knows how to do it and she won't because Mom always does it for her. Well, being Kim and having 4 toddlers to get out the door she can't take the time to put 4 pairs of boots on and shouldn't have to if they know how to do it.
So, as a I take a deep breath I remind myself to take a step back and let them gain some responsibility for themselves and have the ultimate gift and that is self confidence in doing things on their own. That doesn't go to say that the day won't come when I will be sad that I don't have a little ones hand to hold when crossing the parking lot, that one might be required just a little longer than really needed.
It is a huge step to realize your kids are growing up and you need to take small steps back. But I realize now that it is not only for their well being but our whole family and my well being!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Christmas #1 & #2
Alright, better late than never I suppose! We spent our Christmas Eve with Kay and Mike and it was a real nice evening. A great dinner of beef and noodles, what a treat! Kids were SO excited to see what was in store for them in the great pile of packages under the tree! We had decided to open our presents for the kids along with Kay and Mikes due to the early afternoon departure the next day to my Dad and Holly's.
We let the kids go at it and they got some really nice and much needed things! Grace got some clothes from Justice, a bop it game and a really nice stand alone jewelry box from Kay and Mike! From us she got a pink puffy vest with furry hood that she has worn just about every day since it was opened! A Knot a Quilt which we haven't quite finished yet. Owen got her the Operation game!
Owen also got a really cute warm up suit from Mike and Kay as well as a McQueen remote car for his train set and his first Nerf gun! We did a joint gift for Owen and Grace that seemed to be a big hit which was a Melissa and Doug pizza and cookie set and a cash register. Owen had a good time playing pizza chef!
Aaron got a Apple Tv that adapts to our tv and can stream lots of things from music from Itunes library and Netflix and we LOVE it! Got some help from a neighbor on NYE and were able to get it set up so all of our music on our ITunes library streams through the TV and we rocked out the rest of the night with our friends! I received some much needed pj's and a really beautiful vase for my niche!
The evening was great spent watching Santa on Norad to see where he would travel. After Kay and Mike headed for home we loaded up the family and attended our first mass at the Lutheran church. Ended up sitting by some of our good friends and really enjoyed the mass! On the way home we made a small round about trip to look at Christmas lights and headed home to get the kids snuggled into bed! Grace set out some cookies and a cute note telling Santa that we were out of carrots for the reindeer and that she likes when he comes and that she will love whatever he leaves for her. She also asked for him to leave something for her AG dolls if he could.
The next am Aaron and I awoke and saw that it was after 8am. We heard Grace go out to the livingroom. We waited for her to run in but after about 10min. she still hadn't Owen had come out and they were discussing their gifts under the tree. Finally I yelled out to them to come and wake us up! I really thought they would be more excited than that!!
Later on we loaded up for G&G Jack and Holly's to spend the weekend. We had a great time with lots of time visiting with my Dad and Holly and Grandma Helen. Sunday was Holly's family Christmas and we got to catch up with the Kuhn family which had been a long time coming! Good gifts were received as well. Favorites would be a whoopie cushion for Owen, ha! Grace's fav would be the Easy Bake oven. Mine would have to be really pretty flower wall hooks from Pier One and for Aaron a remote start for his car! We enjoyed a lot of good food as usual from the Kurtz chefs. Beef Tenderloin which was fabulous! We had gotten to visit with my cousin Kay and Abby and Grace got to visit Missy and get her out to ride at the barn!
Couldn't have asked for a better holiday! Great weather, good food, gifts and wonderful company, doesn't get any better than that!
We let the kids go at it and they got some really nice and much needed things! Grace got some clothes from Justice, a bop it game and a really nice stand alone jewelry box from Kay and Mike! From us she got a pink puffy vest with furry hood that she has worn just about every day since it was opened! A Knot a Quilt which we haven't quite finished yet. Owen got her the Operation game!
Owen also got a really cute warm up suit from Mike and Kay as well as a McQueen remote car for his train set and his first Nerf gun! We did a joint gift for Owen and Grace that seemed to be a big hit which was a Melissa and Doug pizza and cookie set and a cash register. Owen had a good time playing pizza chef!
Aaron got a Apple Tv that adapts to our tv and can stream lots of things from music from Itunes library and Netflix and we LOVE it! Got some help from a neighbor on NYE and were able to get it set up so all of our music on our ITunes library streams through the TV and we rocked out the rest of the night with our friends! I received some much needed pj's and a really beautiful vase for my niche!
The evening was great spent watching Santa on Norad to see where he would travel. After Kay and Mike headed for home we loaded up the family and attended our first mass at the Lutheran church. Ended up sitting by some of our good friends and really enjoyed the mass! On the way home we made a small round about trip to look at Christmas lights and headed home to get the kids snuggled into bed! Grace set out some cookies and a cute note telling Santa that we were out of carrots for the reindeer and that she likes when he comes and that she will love whatever he leaves for her. She also asked for him to leave something for her AG dolls if he could.
The next am Aaron and I awoke and saw that it was after 8am. We heard Grace go out to the livingroom. We waited for her to run in but after about 10min. she still hadn't Owen had come out and they were discussing their gifts under the tree. Finally I yelled out to them to come and wake us up! I really thought they would be more excited than that!!
Later on we loaded up for G&G Jack and Holly's to spend the weekend. We had a great time with lots of time visiting with my Dad and Holly and Grandma Helen. Sunday was Holly's family Christmas and we got to catch up with the Kuhn family which had been a long time coming! Good gifts were received as well. Favorites would be a whoopie cushion for Owen, ha! Grace's fav would be the Easy Bake oven. Mine would have to be really pretty flower wall hooks from Pier One and for Aaron a remote start for his car! We enjoyed a lot of good food as usual from the Kurtz chefs. Beef Tenderloin which was fabulous! We had gotten to visit with my cousin Kay and Abby and Grace got to visit Missy and get her out to ride at the barn!
Couldn't have asked for a better holiday! Great weather, good food, gifts and wonderful company, doesn't get any better than that!
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